Tuesday, April 14, 2009

another blog in which i say (almost) everything that comes into my brain

I have no time again! Other things are taking up time! Some of the other things are exciting, and some of the other things are necessary, and some of the other things are boring. But they are mostly exciting! And that is great, and that is fun. But the necessary and boring parts are draggin' me down, maaan.

More and more I am deciding that graphic design is not what I want to do. It is not art. Not the kind of art that is the important part of art. To me. It is just creating to an end. There is no meaning behind it. No deep or real or important meaning. Or not one that is interesting. Thus, boring.

I don't know what I want to do. Well, no. I know a lot of things, a near infinite amount of things, that I want to do, but none of them (maybe some of them, if I tried really hard, which I do not like to do most of the time) are really self-sustaining things. I cannot make a living from reading blogs, from looking at pretty things, from thinking about things, from reading books, from twittering (HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT JOB BE?). I guess these could be jobs, but not in the fun, easy, commitment-free way that they are now. And that is what I fail at. Work ethic. For things that matter and are hard and take effort.

I can see myself being absolutely happy (kind of) just packing boxes all day, inspecting parts, reshelving books, things like that. Because they do not involve a lot of mental effort. Or, maybe because there is a set route and way and method of doing these things, and I can learn this method and follow it, and I can know for certain that I am not screwing things up, that I am doing things right, that people are getting exactly what they expect out of me.

One of my greatest fears is being thrown into a situation and having to do something that I do not know 100% how to, or, maybe, having to do any task in which I know I CAN'T know if I am doing everything correctly. So. I am afraid of failure. That is all.

WOW. Kind of depressing. And stuff. But not really. I don't know. My mind has been all slkdajfasd;lkfghah lately. This is fun.

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