things

All right so I am not in a very motivated or thinking mood right now so I don't know. I finished Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions today, and like with any other book that is Important or Different or I guess Emphatic, I find that I am much too easily swayed and moved and confused and messed up by other people's opinions or words or stories or ideals or anythings.

I am very sensitive to most things in that kind of a sense-- I take in everything and consider it and digest it, and way too often all of those other people's everythings have much too big of an impact on me and either beat me down or rile me up. I should be more resilient towards these things but I'm not. It doesn't have to do with just reading or books either, but I really am like a stupid sponge and can't keep opinions of my own safe and I am vulnerable to everything and everything pushes and pulls and I end up not knowing what I even think any more.

I can't read book reviews or my opinion of whatever book it is becomes tainted by them and I don't know if *I* even liked the book. I write things off or say they're crap or CAN'T give things a shot because I know the context of them and I've figured out how I'm SUPPOSED to feel about them, built from the context and so on of others and I hate or dislike so many things that I would or could probably enjoy if I just went at them with no knowledge of their social or etc standings and lights and it's intensely frustrating, but I can't do anything about it. I try, I try, but I am vulnerable and take in cynicism and hate and unfair judgements and unfounded praise and hype and then I am all of those combined and don't know what to think.

This isn't meant to be whiny or depressing or complaints; it's just the way things are with me and I'm frustrated a lot about how much good stuff I'm missing out on because of the aforementioned.