Monday, August 9, 2010

ok so

~*~this is just copied from tumblr, hence the lack of capitalization; i didn't know or think it was going to turn into that big of a mopey rant/whatever, so it's good enough to use for beda too, i guess~*~

i've waited way way way too long to choose something to do w/r/t school and i still don't know but it's come to that point where my unwillingness and apathy are trumped by absolute necessity, but it turns out i waited too long in this case because classes start this month and i don't know what i want to do, or rather i just decided.

it's not what i want--i don't want anything. i have no drive or ambition whatsoever.

but so ok i've decided (not really but i'm not going to keep making this distinction, it is what it is. this isn't making any sense probably i'm sorry but i'm completely freaked out and lost and scared and i need to just say things) that i want to go for a ba in english (i guess) which hopefully, ideally, will be two more years of school.

and then start on a masters of library sciences etc etc whatever, hopefully through the university partnership program that the local community college i've been going to offers, through Kent State.

so i talked to a counselor at LCCC to discuss things about what bachelors program i should go into or w/e; i don't know any of the technical terms for any of these things, ok, and she said it would be best to ask the Kent people what would be ideal or the best preparation for pursuing a library masters thing.

so i did that and they replied and said that they didn't know if they would even be offering the library science masters partnership thing in two years, or whenever i was ready to enroll, but that something in the liberal arts field would be best and computer somethings courses also.

which ok that is. ok. i don't know.

none of the partnership things through lc really are liberal artsy, except for psychology through cleveland state, but i don't think that would really be very relevant at all.

and plus i just discovered that most of the university partnership program things require applications like 4 weeks ago, so i can't even do that for this upcoming semester.

but cleveland state has an english program, obviously, a normal type thing, and they have some kind of campus or center in westlake which is not too far away (all of this frustration and these problems stem from my complete lack of independence and self sufficientness and laziness and apathy and fear and fear and fear, so like going to an actual college that is not near here is pretty much completely out of the question, at least in my mind).

but i don't know what courses or things are available there, and what online, and like i said it's too late for this semester anyway.

so my mom says that i could find some classes here to take at LC this semester that would work and transfer and count to the bachelors at cleveland state and that i need to find out if that's possible and but what ones are and how do i tell that and there are so many things and my mom just keeps saying 'call people, ask them, find out' but i don't have any idea of who to call or what to ask or what to say when they need more information about anything from me and i am completely incapable of all of this or rather, actually, too stuck up in my fear of people and phones and change and talking and doing things for myself and making mistakes or seeming dumb or not having the answers to anything. i have no idea where to start or don't want to think about what i need to do to GET an idea of where to start. my mind is so screwed up and i don't know how to do so much or i don't want to think about any of this ever and i don't want to grow up


  1. Aww. :(

    Growing up is hard, and I'm glad that I don't have to do it yet...But you'll figure it out. You'll figure it out, and you'll finish your education, and you'll do something with your life. :)

    Starting something new is always the hardest part.

    Love you<3

  2. um i don't really know what to say. i love you. i'm trying to figure out college stuff too. but I hope you can find something you really want to do and that you enjoy immensely because i don't want you to be stuck doing something dumb that you hate. that would be dumb and bad.


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