i just typed a bunch of stuff

I want to be more positive! I feel like I get caught up in bad and unchangeable or just petty petty things and it's dumb to do that and it makes everything hard and awful. Cynicism is so easy and it is simple to resort to that and it distances you from a lot of things and detaches you from emotion and also irony and all the layers and layers of meanness and coldness and depreciating things until you are so far away that you're numb to everything and your feelings are buried so deep under so many layers of crap that it's suffocating and lonely and I don't want to be that way any more. I want to be grateful and earnest and direct and encouraging and I don't want to make fun of people or the things they enjoy or taunt or mock.

Mostly because my conscience is ridiculously harsh and uptight and I feel guilty about and over everything for forever and pathetically so; I can never forget the crap I've done to people. I am a guilt hole. Haha that sounds gross or something.

But so yes! Be more encouraging! Be nice! Find the good in things! Appreciate the things you have!

For the past week I have been wanting SO badly to go to the beach or mountains or rivers or somewhere expansive and huge and overwhelming and nature is so calming and beautiful and gahhh I gotta get out of the city and away from pavement and street lights and look at the stars and take in the radness of life and the universe is pretty neat.

I do not know what this says even I just typed the things in my brain; they are probably not coherent!