just sit right back and you'll hear a tale

I wrote a poem, a ballad, during senior year for English, and it was based on an episode of The Office (Initiation, S3 Ep5). I posted it in the Office community on livejournal, but I want to stick it here as well because I'm extremely proud of it.

As someone pointed out on LJ, it fits the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song. Which makes sense, because it's in ballad metre, as are Amazing Grace and countless other hymns and poems. It's fun to sing, though a few lines don't fit exactly because I couldn't get them to, and also because I wasn't thinking about common metre at the time.

So. Here you go:

The Ballad of Sir Dwight and of His Quest to Be Accepted and Liked by Ryan, Subsequently Becoming an Unstoppable Team That Competed Against Other Teams

There lived a man, brave and strong
Who dwelled on a farm of beets.
He alone, and his cousin Mose
At ping pong were elites.

This man was Dwight, and he was awesome;
His coworkers feared him greatly,
Though not as he thought, because of his might,
But for he was an idiot.

Among the beets lived he peacefully,
Indulging in his every whim.
Spud guns, paintballs, a crossbow range
He tried to lord these things o’er Jim.

Then one day, newb Ryan came
To be mentored by Sir Dwight.
He’d teach him his greatest business tricks,
But first, young Ryan must FIGHT!

Must fight a foe, though not one who
Could be slain by sword or knife,
But to a businessman holds the power
To destroy career and life.

This foe was FEAR, aka Mose.
Dwight’s cousin fair and true.
Like Ryan, if you don’t be careful,
FEAR may sneak up on you.

Fear snuck up on that boy Ryan,
But he was not surprised.
He stood there, sighed, and shook his head
Most likely he rolled his eyes.

Ryan said, “No. You are a freak. I‘m not doing this.”
But good Sir Dwight would not give up.
Dwight said, “Just get in the coffin.”
And that scared him, the poor ol’ pup.

Then Ryan walked right out of that barn,
And to Mose Sir Dwight did turn.
“Where are all the animals?” he angrily inquired.
For the resolved matter did Dwight yearn.

And so, away lad Ryan went.
He ran and ran and ran.
But still, Sir Dwight pursued him
In his old souped-up Trans Am.

He pulled right up beside young Ryan
Who down the road was walking,
And since Ryan still seemed mad,
Sir Dwight did all the talking.

“I am very, very sorry, you know
And Mose is sorry too.
He made a basket of eggs and bacon,
And he’s giving them to you,

And here you go: a figurine.
It’s something that he whittled.
I really hope we can still be friends,
That you’ll like me just a little.”

So off on a sales call they did go.
Young Ryan gave his all.
But alas! He did not get the sale, so
Dwight and Ryan egged their walls.