Tuesday, October 21, 2008

All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm.

[my comment on a nerdfighter's facebook note]

I am in the same position (as much as two different people can be), and I sure as heck know what you're talking about. Everything is a system, a mold, everywhere, everything's enslaved by time, by deadlines, by concrete goals, by tradition. It's normalcy, status quo, don't-screw-up-or-try-anything-different, everything's-been-laid-out-and-that's-how-it-is-and-should-be mentality. It's so rigid.

Sometimes I just stop and think about what I'm doing, about where it'll get me, about what I'll be doing then, and so on. And it doesn't stop, there's no room for spontaneity, for being me, for ANYTHING. It just goes on, one thing leads to another, and another, and another, then at the end of it all, there's not much left, and what will I have accomplished? Will I be successful? What is success? It's all very subjective, and at the same time, it can't be, or the whole idea of success would be pretty much useless.

Sometimes I somewhat snap out of it, think that all of what I'm thinking now really doesn't matter, that I'm over-analyzing and over-thinking this all. But I can't tell, and I don't know. It's really strange, and when it happens, I feel almost two-faced. And then I only get more confused, and then I just stop thinking altogether and go on with my day, with my routine. And then I'm back where I started, which is not where I want to be. I think. I don't know. And that's the whole problem.

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